I haven’t touched my blog in a while, because once I lose track of thoughts that I’d like to publish, it seems almost false to write about new ones, without the context of previous ones. So for better or for worse, these unwritten posts have been lost in the whirlwind of late 2011 and the beginning of 2012. Being late January already, I am almost against myself writing a summary post of 2011, for fear that I will (inevitably) omit events. Having said that, because I just can’t help myself, here are some thoughts, but probably with a lot less intensity than I would’ve written it, had I not left it so late:

- The year 2011 was interesting, for various reasons. Certain events definitely pop up into my mind. I won’t share them all, but I think the biggest lesson that I learnt was the reminder that life is so fleeting. It was a lesson I learnt not once, but three times. They were all twenty-one years old. Death was not the prognosis for any of them; tragedy struck so quickly.

I think I’ve blogged enough about it, and I feel that any more tears will be purely for selfish reasons. Today marks one year since Pete’s death, and what I wrote six months ago to Peter on his FB wall still stands true. But I think time does heal all…

Peter, I look at your profile, and everything seems so impossible. You are staring up and out from your dp, as real and as alive as ever. It’s quite unbelievable that you’re not with us on this earth, at least, right now. And that’s just one small thing that I’ll miss forever: your vivacity, your moods, that ability to turn most things into crazy jokes. You made me laugh a million times and I never even realised it. And that’s the thing – you’re so special to me that I could never fully appreciate it because you had become a part of me. They say that family and friends shape and mould you, they grow onto you until lives and spirits are so deeply intertwined that there is no separation.

You were never ‘that guy who lived a street away from me’, or ‘that guy from my class’ – you were Peter, an excellent, beautiful friend, a guy I assumed I’d be in touch with forever. I never questioned that we’d be in each other’s life, and however naively it seems, time would forever stand still. Darling Peter, you now highlight the tragic transience of life. The slightest touch, the mere brush of a breath- and then, it could all be gone. I believe in seeing you again one day, and for that, I rejoice. But for the moment, just for now, I’ll mourn in my heart one tiny, selfish bit, because it has been over six months, and still our greatest loss is as fresh as ever. I miss you Peter.

- Somewhere within the last year, it has been increasingly obvious to me that I have lost the mystery surrounding who I am, what I am. It was always clear to my class mates (considering I was involved in ES stuff from first year), but who I am has successfully infiltrated the other years. It’s strange, I didn’t expecting that garnering an apparent good-girl reputation would have so much effect (whether it be true or not). I suppose it’s to be expected, but somehow I am not grateful if I am stereotyped as being boring, brainwashed, or less appreciative of fun. Guess what, Jesus wasn’t boring, He was radical in so many ways.

Furthermore, I was recently told that I am an ‘upstanding citizen’. So ‘upstanding’ that I am ‘intimidating’. Seriously? I am a measly 5’1’’.  That comment actually peeved me a little. What exactly does ‘upstanding’ mean? I make stupid mistakes all the time (unfortunately). I am heavily flawed. And how intimidating can I be? Even with behemoth heels, I resemble an Asian leprechaun (:P). I dropped my blazers and picked up summer dresses. I wore a white poofy lacy dress which should be more reminiscent of a giant white marshmellow, than G.I. Joe. I like Summer Roberts, because sometimes she reminds me of me: blunt, fierce/spirited, little and occasionally completely ditzy (or in my case, perennially stuck in struggle town :P ). I do, however tend to have more restraint in blurting out comments in the open, anyway.

And with the above, I have the feeling that most impressions of people are quite incorrect. I thought I knew someone, before popping over onto her blog, and realising that she wasn’t as nice as I thought she was; rather, she bordered on nasty. I know that no blog is a complete representation of the blogger, but blogs do, for better or worse, shed a certain light on the person.

- Late 2010, I wanted to get out of college. I was mourning the passing of an era at college, in that I would be the only person staying back on my floor. However, 2011 college has brought me much joy and amusement. Dynamics have changed in huge ways, but I really would not change it. Despite the shame of being in fourth year and still at college, I don’t have any second thoughts about it at all. Bring on the 2012 college family (and mockingly-named, cringe-worthy ‘sisterhood’) of fantastical struggles, awkward moments, movie nights, group runs, family politics :P and everything else.

- I turned 21. Not a big deal. I had a great time celebrating, thanks to a whole number of people for making it a wonderful time. You know who you are ;) .

- The birth of CDF. What a blessing this has been! But at the same time, I do admit that I need the encouragement of other people to drive this forward.  I get lazy very easily but am very thankful for Hannah (key founder!), Josh and Katie for leading CDF as well. It has been a huge joint effort to keep this going, but may Christ always remain the centre of our group.

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